i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I love having hate sex.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
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well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
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I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize