Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
