Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
