my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
