I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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