Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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