I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
