I am puke
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
