If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My ass is underappreciated
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
