Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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