Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
