I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
