im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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