I'm gonna have a badass scar
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
