No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
