I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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