Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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