My first STD was from a foam party
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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