I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
