i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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