Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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