burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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