i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
