I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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