When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
