I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
