i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
