rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
