She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
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I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize