I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
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He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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