I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
