Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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