and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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