I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
