I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
