see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
