Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
