The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
