My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
