What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
