I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
