I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
