I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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