She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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