i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
