Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
