it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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