it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
