Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
