I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
