proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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