I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
