Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
