it wasn't lemon gatorade
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
