I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
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You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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