either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
