You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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