Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
