Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
