that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
