his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
