Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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