I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
